Dreaming...

You know, having dreams is one the joys of life. First of all, they are free, and anyone can have them. Second, if you are persistent enough and determined enough, you always have the possibility of making them come true. And finally, if your life changes, you can always tailor those dreams to the changes in your life. Unfortunately, the fucked up thing about dreams is that they may not always come true, especially when you take a leap of faith and commit to them. The safer dreams are the ones we have in our sleep, they aren't real...and in the end everything was just a fantasy...or was it?


I have a lot of crazy dreams. Not just the ones where you meet a hot girl and bang her, no my dreams are a little different. I see dead people. Not often, and they never talk to me. But I always seem to dream about the ones whose lives tragically ended. My aunt, my friend, a classmate from school. Just those mostly, and when I saw them, I knew that they were trying to tell me something. I could see the sadness in their eyes and I knew that they needed something from me. But what could I give them, I mean they were dead! All I could do was say a prayer and give them my thoughts. I do miss them though.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my dreams, both the waking ones and the ones in my sleep. I think about how I started out, naive and starry eyed, and how things didn't turn out quite like I planned. About how I fucked up and got off the path that I started on, and the big mistakes along the way. I also thought about how I eventually found my way back and started to dream again. I also had a moment where my waking and my sleeping dreams seemed to collide for one brief second, giving me a moment of clarity in relation to not just my artwork, but my entire life. Not just that, but how my freaky as horoscope validated what I dreamt about. So, lets go on a ride...

In the early hours of April 20th I had a dream, as most of us do. In my dream I dreamt that I was a secret agent trying to get myself into, and bust, a biker gang. Well they caught me stowing away in one of their trucks and told me to beat it, but not before sending a couple of thugs to take me out. When I left the gang, I went to my uncle's house (who is dead) which seem to be on a pier and right at the foot of a hill, simultaenously. My aunts and my mom were there, and the thugs weren't far behind. I saw them coming for me, and as it happens in a lot of my dreams I became a superhero to stop them. Yeah, I know, too many comic books. Anyways, I couldn't let them hurt my family...so, who to become? Well, that's an easy one. Superman. He is probably the greatest superhero around, hands down, and I'm a huge fan. So, after a blast of heat vision, bullets bouncing off of my chest, and an incredible show of strength, the villains were done for. I was in the costume, and I wanted to show my uncle who I was, so that he could be proud of me. He looked at me, and I saw the pride in his eyes. At that time, I also heard a dristress call from ships caught in a storm that needed my help. I had to go, so I made my way outside to the pier. That's when I saw the ocean. It was incredible, the waves taller than the house, speeding by at an incredible rate. not a cold blue ocean, but a green and brown grimy water that covered a vast expanse for miles. Within the waves I could see dozens of sea creatures, and not the small ones. Giant whales, squids, and sharks...speeding by, caught in the waves. Behemoths caught up and carried out by an even greater one. And not just them, but also the monsters that dwell near the ocean floor never seeing light. Odd and frightening creatures that were terrifying to behold. Even though I was Superman, even though I could take them all out (the creatures), even though the ocean wouldn't swallow me...I was deathly afraid. I was afraid to take that risk, that 1% that I might not make it. So I turned around and went back to the house. At that point I woke up and the dream ended. But it had made its impact on me. The next morning I found this in my email:

"You could have some powerful dreams, Alex. Your psychic senses will be heightened, and you should pay attention to the images that appear in your dreams. You might want to write down the things that happen to you in your dreamscape. Your dreams could contain some important symbolic messages over the next few days. Record them in a dream journal so that you can learn from them and apply these insights to your daily life."

It was my daily email horoscope. Freaky little thing, this is the third or fourth time that it touched upon something significant in my life. Make what you will from this, I don't believe everything in life is black and white. But even before I got this, I began to wonder what it all meant (the dream). At first, I thought it was something pertaining to my artwork. That I was too afraid to cross that vast threshold that would lead me to my promised destination, that would allow my artistic dreams to come through. But as the weeks passed, it seemed as if it was more than just about my art. It was about my life. It was about how I was too afraid to take that leap, whenever an opportunity presented itself. It was about how I always chose the safer path in life instead of taking the risk. I thought about this when I realized what it really meant. I looked back at the missed opportunities and bad decisions and cringed. But, the past is the past. I can't change that. But I can do something about the future. My life is going to change before the end of this year (for the better), because I am going to jump into the ocean. No matter how scared I am, I am even more scared of continuing on the same way.

Wish me well...

The Last Four Weeks...

I had planned on posting every week, charting my progression, and letting the 2 people who read this blog know what is going on with my work and life. Instead, however, I needed to take some time for myself and really get into my head. I needed to work out some issues that were beginning to slow down my progress, so that I wouldn't be caught in the same rut anymore. And fuck it! It's my blog I can do what I want with it, bitches!

Prior to the last three weeks, I was caught in an endless cycle of non-progression (don't get me wrong, I was producing work, but not advancing). I would feel desperate and depressed (you know, like when married men don't have sex for about three weeks), have some sort of grand and blessed "epiphany" about my work, and then go about to put my "new" vision into action. Let me tell you, this was the biggest crock of shit! And I was doing this to myself for years, trying to get past my own mental barriers. Regardless to say, I would never make it past the 2nd part.

Until now.

About three weeks ago, the mad hammer of reality (my friend Joe), kicked me in the ass and called me out on this, and made me realize what I was doing. He made me realize that I had to stop this if I was ever truly going to get ahead. I know he did it because he cares about me and my work, but it was very hard to hear...and accept! At first it made me feel very depressed, but then I picked my ass off the floor, dried up the tears, and got to work again. But this time I needed to make a real push forward. I have a tendancy of just working to a certain point and stopping. Why? Well, since you asked, I'll tell you...don't tell anyone...but....I'm scared! Oh, and sometimes I have low self esteem too...sometimes I feel like I don't deserve this...

To quote Eddie Murphy: "Can you believe this motherfucking shit!?!"

Believe it or not...it's what I've dealt with...until now.

In my last blog entry I mentioned these issues briefly, and said that the next few weeks would be very interesting, and they have been. Being afraid of not being good enough, coupled with the fear of being a failure can be very crippling. I let negative thoughts from both myself and other people (well comments mostly, since I can't read their minds...or can I???) make my art production come to a screeching halt. Shit, just last night I got a negative unconscious jibe from one of my friends about my artwork and being able to make it just on my artwork.

I had to stop for a second. This guy is one of my best friends.

"What the fuck?"

For a moment, it put a little shred of self doubt in me, until I slapped myself back into focus.

People are always going to say things that will throw you off course, if you let it.

I'm not going to let it anymore.

I let all of these things stifle my production and set me back. The only solution I have found, is to keep working through the mess, no matter what other people say. Whether they hate every bit of artwork I produce, or doubt me being able to finally succeed with my art. I know that I can do this. I have shown "glimpses" of this, little tidbits when I produce something so amazing that I can't even believe I DID IT!
In the recent past, I did it on two occasions, both with character designs. The people that I was working for/with were amazed at what I had done. They couldn't even believe that I had done them, and people they showed my work to didn't even recognize it. But in both of those instances, I had something that doesn't always come through for me: confidence. I knew that the pieces would be representative of the subject matter and that I would produce them successfully. Don't ask me how, I just knew. It's something that I haven't felt since college, where a lot of things (actually more than less) that I created were right on the money. I don't mean to toot my horn (but I will anyway...hey someone has to!), but they were damn good! I was never a Michaelangelo or Leonardo, but they were always eyecatching and conveyed emotion, style, and that particular "thing" that I don't have a name for. And that's what I need to get back.

So I sit down every day and I draw.

I draw through the incessent whining in the back of my head with a little voice telling me how much I suck and that I'm too old to do this anymore.

I draw through the negative comments from other people telling me just how much of a pipe dream this is, or their little expressions of doubt.

I draw through all the worries, and all the pain (and boy do I have a lot of them).

I stop myself from thinking about these things so that I don't make excuses not to draw, and just draw.

Then, when the end of the day comes, and I finally look up at what I've been doing...

When all I have is my work, I know...

I know that I'm good enough and that I will be able to do this.

Decisions, truths, and making things count...

Well, week 4 just passed, and March is just beginning. This last week was a bear to say the least. I was sick as a dog (why do they say that? When was the last time you saw a sick dog? Why don't they say sick like a weak bitch?!), I had a ton of personal creative work to get done, and I had to sit down and talk to my wife about what was going on. Trying to break into the comics field, or any other creative field is not easy (duh!), but when you are married and someone else is depending on you, it makes it only that much harder. Especially if the person you are married to isn't really "into" what you're doing. Early last week, I spoke with my friend, Joseph, we had been creative partners for about 9 years and know each other fairly well. We spoke about what each of us was doing and how we were progressing in our attempts. I told Joseph about all the progress that I had made, the research I was doing, and where I was planning to go. He thought that was great, but as always, he decided to burst my bubble. Joseph has always been my dose of reality, my black cloud of truth as you will. Whenever I feel like I'm at the top of my game, Joe slaps me back into reality so that I don't take things for granted or settle halfway. He told me that I'm at the same point that I always get to, that I make it to this point, but usually go no further. He told me that I have to go out there and hunt the jobs down, make contacts, and basically be aggressive. I can't wait for things to happen. We spoke some more and he tried to instil these ideas in me further, but he asked me one very important question which would really determine my success in all of this. Does my wife support me in these endeavors? There was silence as I thought. At one point, yes she did. She supported me wholeheartedly. But that was a while back, a lot of things had happened. We weren't married at the time, we hadn't gone through a period of high drama, and we didn't have the bills that we do now. So now...? I couldn't answer that question for him. And as always the big black hand of reality struck me, destroying my delusional cloud. He told me that I had to know, I had to know if my wife supported me in this. The road I'm on is not an easy one, and I needed to know that. He told me if she supported me, then that would be great, but, if she didn't...then it would be a very rocky path, and achieving success would almost be near impossible. At that point, I felt like getting into my car and running right into a light pole. But everything he said was true. I had to find out. I had to get things out into the open and see where my wife stood on this. As always, I prayed and I chanted a bit (buddhist style...hey whatever works), and I spoke to the wife as we drove to the store. I told her that I was attempting to get into comics and other creative fields again, this time very seriously. And I asked her if she supported me in this. She, of course, shared her concerns, especially because we plan to start a family soon, and as always, she felt afraid. We spoke some more and I assured her that this time I would do my best to see things through, and not let past demons haunt me. This was for us, and for our family. We spoke for a bit, and in the end I heard what I needed to hear. She told me that she supported me in what I was doing and that she loved me. It felt so good to hear that, to know that through all the shit, she still supported me. Now I have to show her the goods, and I have to make things count.
Making things count means that I don't have a lot of time, I have to be proactive, dilligent, tenacious, and aggressive. I can't do things the way that I have been doing them...or else I might as well give up now. I have to stir things up and change things around. Break old habits and routines and start new ones that will allow me to succeed. That meant that I had to sit down last week and write out some ideas about how I would get there. I had to give real thought as to how I would approach things and try to plot out a course of action. It isn't easy, and I'm still refining things, but at least now I know where to begin. Tony Robbins teaches that people associate emotions and feelings with things because of past events. For example, if you have a lot of arguements with your spouse, eventually you will feel a constant anger or resentment toward him/ her, even if things are fine. You have to break that association and commit to that. No gradual changes...a solid commitment is needed. Break those habits! That's a great philosophy, but when you have a lot of demons to conquer like me, it can feel overwhelming. Sometimes it feels like I'm walled in a small room, with everything that I ever wanted on the outside of the room, and I can't get to it. I often feel the fear swelling up in me, like there's a bowling ball trapped in my chest. But I have to do this, I have to break out of the room I've been in for so long. I can't say what the next few weeks will be like, except for...active. I'm sure it will be interesting. Until next time...