Decisions, truths, and making things count...

Well, week 4 just passed, and March is just beginning. This last week was a bear to say the least. I was sick as a dog (why do they say that? When was the last time you saw a sick dog? Why don't they say sick like a weak bitch?!), I had a ton of personal creative work to get done, and I had to sit down and talk to my wife about what was going on. Trying to break into the comics field, or any other creative field is not easy (duh!), but when you are married and someone else is depending on you, it makes it only that much harder. Especially if the person you are married to isn't really "into" what you're doing. Early last week, I spoke with my friend, Joseph, we had been creative partners for about 9 years and know each other fairly well. We spoke about what each of us was doing and how we were progressing in our attempts. I told Joseph about all the progress that I had made, the research I was doing, and where I was planning to go. He thought that was great, but as always, he decided to burst my bubble. Joseph has always been my dose of reality, my black cloud of truth as you will. Whenever I feel like I'm at the top of my game, Joe slaps me back into reality so that I don't take things for granted or settle halfway. He told me that I'm at the same point that I always get to, that I make it to this point, but usually go no further. He told me that I have to go out there and hunt the jobs down, make contacts, and basically be aggressive. I can't wait for things to happen. We spoke some more and he tried to instil these ideas in me further, but he asked me one very important question which would really determine my success in all of this. Does my wife support me in these endeavors? There was silence as I thought. At one point, yes she did. She supported me wholeheartedly. But that was a while back, a lot of things had happened. We weren't married at the time, we hadn't gone through a period of high drama, and we didn't have the bills that we do now. So now...? I couldn't answer that question for him. And as always the big black hand of reality struck me, destroying my delusional cloud. He told me that I had to know, I had to know if my wife supported me in this. The road I'm on is not an easy one, and I needed to know that. He told me if she supported me, then that would be great, but, if she didn't...then it would be a very rocky path, and achieving success would almost be near impossible. At that point, I felt like getting into my car and running right into a light pole. But everything he said was true. I had to find out. I had to get things out into the open and see where my wife stood on this. As always, I prayed and I chanted a bit (buddhist style...hey whatever works), and I spoke to the wife as we drove to the store. I told her that I was attempting to get into comics and other creative fields again, this time very seriously. And I asked her if she supported me in this. She, of course, shared her concerns, especially because we plan to start a family soon, and as always, she felt afraid. We spoke some more and I assured her that this time I would do my best to see things through, and not let past demons haunt me. This was for us, and for our family. We spoke for a bit, and in the end I heard what I needed to hear. She told me that she supported me in what I was doing and that she loved me. It felt so good to hear that, to know that through all the shit, she still supported me. Now I have to show her the goods, and I have to make things count.
Making things count means that I don't have a lot of time, I have to be proactive, dilligent, tenacious, and aggressive. I can't do things the way that I have been doing them...or else I might as well give up now. I have to stir things up and change things around. Break old habits and routines and start new ones that will allow me to succeed. That meant that I had to sit down last week and write out some ideas about how I would get there. I had to give real thought as to how I would approach things and try to plot out a course of action. It isn't easy, and I'm still refining things, but at least now I know where to begin. Tony Robbins teaches that people associate emotions and feelings with things because of past events. For example, if you have a lot of arguements with your spouse, eventually you will feel a constant anger or resentment toward him/ her, even if things are fine. You have to break that association and commit to that. No gradual changes...a solid commitment is needed. Break those habits! That's a great philosophy, but when you have a lot of demons to conquer like me, it can feel overwhelming. Sometimes it feels like I'm walled in a small room, with everything that I ever wanted on the outside of the room, and I can't get to it. I often feel the fear swelling up in me, like there's a bowling ball trapped in my chest. But I have to do this, I have to break out of the room I've been in for so long. I can't say what the next few weeks will be like, except for...active. I'm sure it will be interesting. Until next time...