The Last Four Weeks...

I had planned on posting every week, charting my progression, and letting the 2 people who read this blog know what is going on with my work and life. Instead, however, I needed to take some time for myself and really get into my head. I needed to work out some issues that were beginning to slow down my progress, so that I wouldn't be caught in the same rut anymore. And fuck it! It's my blog I can do what I want with it, bitches!

Prior to the last three weeks, I was caught in an endless cycle of non-progression (don't get me wrong, I was producing work, but not advancing). I would feel desperate and depressed (you know, like when married men don't have sex for about three weeks), have some sort of grand and blessed "epiphany" about my work, and then go about to put my "new" vision into action. Let me tell you, this was the biggest crock of shit! And I was doing this to myself for years, trying to get past my own mental barriers. Regardless to say, I would never make it past the 2nd part.

Until now.

About three weeks ago, the mad hammer of reality (my friend Joe), kicked me in the ass and called me out on this, and made me realize what I was doing. He made me realize that I had to stop this if I was ever truly going to get ahead. I know he did it because he cares about me and my work, but it was very hard to hear...and accept! At first it made me feel very depressed, but then I picked my ass off the floor, dried up the tears, and got to work again. But this time I needed to make a real push forward. I have a tendancy of just working to a certain point and stopping. Why? Well, since you asked, I'll tell you...don't tell anyone...but....I'm scared! Oh, and sometimes I have low self esteem too...sometimes I feel like I don't deserve this...

To quote Eddie Murphy: "Can you believe this motherfucking shit!?!"

Believe it or not...it's what I've dealt with...until now.

In my last blog entry I mentioned these issues briefly, and said that the next few weeks would be very interesting, and they have been. Being afraid of not being good enough, coupled with the fear of being a failure can be very crippling. I let negative thoughts from both myself and other people (well comments mostly, since I can't read their minds...or can I???) make my art production come to a screeching halt. Shit, just last night I got a negative unconscious jibe from one of my friends about my artwork and being able to make it just on my artwork.

I had to stop for a second. This guy is one of my best friends.

"What the fuck?"

For a moment, it put a little shred of self doubt in me, until I slapped myself back into focus.

People are always going to say things that will throw you off course, if you let it.

I'm not going to let it anymore.

I let all of these things stifle my production and set me back. The only solution I have found, is to keep working through the mess, no matter what other people say. Whether they hate every bit of artwork I produce, or doubt me being able to finally succeed with my art. I know that I can do this. I have shown "glimpses" of this, little tidbits when I produce something so amazing that I can't even believe I DID IT!
In the recent past, I did it on two occasions, both with character designs. The people that I was working for/with were amazed at what I had done. They couldn't even believe that I had done them, and people they showed my work to didn't even recognize it. But in both of those instances, I had something that doesn't always come through for me: confidence. I knew that the pieces would be representative of the subject matter and that I would produce them successfully. Don't ask me how, I just knew. It's something that I haven't felt since college, where a lot of things (actually more than less) that I created were right on the money. I don't mean to toot my horn (but I will anyway...hey someone has to!), but they were damn good! I was never a Michaelangelo or Leonardo, but they were always eyecatching and conveyed emotion, style, and that particular "thing" that I don't have a name for. And that's what I need to get back.

So I sit down every day and I draw.

I draw through the incessent whining in the back of my head with a little voice telling me how much I suck and that I'm too old to do this anymore.

I draw through the negative comments from other people telling me just how much of a pipe dream this is, or their little expressions of doubt.

I draw through all the worries, and all the pain (and boy do I have a lot of them).

I stop myself from thinking about these things so that I don't make excuses not to draw, and just draw.

Then, when the end of the day comes, and I finally look up at what I've been doing...

When all I have is my work, I know...

I know that I'm good enough and that I will be able to do this.