BLOODY PENCIL

GROWING UP...

2006-04-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

If anyone is reading this...howdy again, I've returned. My last two blogs started off with me stating that I took a brief hiatus, and this one is no different. I was busy, sorry...actually no, I'm not sorry. I don't really have to make excuses for my time anymore. It's not that I'm trying to be an asshole, it's just that I finally realized something at 34 years of age:

"No one really really gives a shit about anyone except themselves."

And before I explain myself, let me just say amend the previous statement. There are people out there that care about others, but you will be hard pressed to find someone who will inconvience themselves to help you when you really need it. People who are unconditional in their love and sacrifice for others are extremely rare (besides Jesus, Ghandi, Mother Theresa, etc...), if you're lucky you will have parents or a spouse who will do anything for you. Most people, however, fall into the category of "if it doesn't interfere with my plans or bother me, I'll help you out", and I can't say I blame them. C'mon, we've all bent over backwards, and maybe even sacrificed something, to help out someone who eventually would spurn us when we needed the favor reciprocated. After that, people learn really fast to limit their level of assistance...Me, I'm kinda hard headed, and a late bloomer. It took me a while, but I learned...

If I look back over the course of my life, there are defining moments which screamed to me to realize this:

Asking friends where there got that cool shirt or pair of pants, and they would reply with..."I can't remember..." or "I don't know, I got it as a birthday gift..." While both of these are valid answers (and in some cases true), I eventually found a bullshit translator which helped me to decipher these answers, ie: "Hey, I'm such a paranoid and selfish fuck that I don't want to say where I got these clothes so that you don't buy some and we look like twins. I want to be the only asshole wearing them!!"

Asking to borrow notes from a classmate when I was sick, I got "Sorry, the last time I let someone borrow my notes I never got them back..." Bullshit translation: "Even though I know you and we've been hanging out, and I could just let you photocopy them...FUCK YOU! I'm not going to judge you on your own merit and just assume that you're going to fuck me!"

Here's a common one that crosses over into a lot of different areas...Asking a friend or relative for a favor, especially when you have bent over backwards to help them on several occasions...and the reply is: "Sorry I can't , I have to take care of some stuff..." Bullshit translation: "Even though you've helped me, sorry fucker, I don't just don't feel like doing that shit for you...even though I'm doing nothing!"

That last one really burns me up...

What brings all of this about...well recently, I asked a co-worker to cover a late shift that I had so that I could go and hang my art for an art show. Now, I cover for people all the time, especially when they really need it, and I've covered for this person too, so I figure it will be no problem. WRONG!. My co-worker is working a morning shift at 6am the following day, so they refused stating that they wouldn't get any sleep. Now, normally I can understand...but, this co-worker regularly stays up (with no fucking sleep!) to play video games! I have seen her come in drowsy and red eyed from staying up all night on the computer, chatting or gaming. No matter how much I begged her, she would not do it...at that moment my boyish outlook on life changed. I realized that no matter how important something is, people just don't give a fuck! I don't know why at that moment, maybe it's because the show is so important to me, but it just all sank in.

I learned from my mom (who is unconditional in her love for us) to be caring, kind, and to help others when they need it. If my mom only had a dollar, and someone needed it, then she gave it to them. That really impressed me, and I felt deep inside that I had to be the same, but I really took it to an ideal level. I would sacrifice myself for others to help them when they really needed it, and although they appreciated it...I was very very hard pressed to find someone to do the same for me...Because although people will help you, they may only do it when it's not a bother...And that is that way of the world.

So back to now...After years of experiencing this, it's all finally sunken in...and I feel like I'm growing up. The idealology that man can be so much more than he currently is, fades away and will only be reserved for fiction and creative endeavors. Man is a selfish bastard, and although I can hope, the reality of the situation is that no one can look out for me, except for...me. No one will understand me and my needs better than me. There is no Lone Ranger coming to whisk away all my problems or help me...I have to do it. Yes, people will still help me, but I won't expect it of them. People will still support me, but I won't expect them to sacrifice for me. It's all really up to me. There is no job security, there are no raises, no promotions...I have to create them all for myself. I am the spear head that pushes my dreams forward, cuts through the bullshit, and hits that target. No one will do it for me, but when I make it, they'll come out to bask in my sunshine...oh well, that's life.

Doesn't have to be, but it is.

You know, this is one of the best lessons I've learned,

...better late than never too...

Back Again

2005-09-28T11:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back after about a month's time. I don't really know why I'm back...I don't have any new "revelations" or "experiences" to share...but I guess I just needed to pour myself out to someone, even if it is myself.

DOODLING AND DRAWING

I have been working on quite a few projects: storyboards, illustrations, comics, designs, and some doodles here and there. I just finished up some illustrations for a USC graduate film called "Unseen". It's about a young boy who is an artistic prodigy, but is ignored by the adults in his life. I got the gig by answering an online ad, and after speaking to the director of the film, I was in. It didn't really pay anything, but it will allow my artwork to be seen (hopefully by a lot of people). I have also continued working on two ongoing projects: "Bwana M'saka" with my friend Vince, and storyboards for a horror film, "Last Stop". Amid both of these projects I have also let my mind wander and have begun doodling and scribbling, doing designs just for myself. That's important, I believe. Every artist needs time to let their mind wander so that they can unlock the creativity in their brain. Often I get so caught up in projects, shackled by the parameters that come with them, that it's good to just get out all the ideas that I have in my head and flesh them out. For a long time, in the recent past, all that I worked on was just projects, and nothing for me. Even though these projects pushed my ingenuity and creativity, I think that in a way they stunted my imagination. Trust me I have no regrets, some of my best work came out of these projects, but they were projects from someone else's imagination. Although I was able to capture what someone else envisioned, it became hard to dream things up on my own. The doodling helps me to release that creativity that's locked inside of me. It also helps to release my frustration and anger as well. Below are a couple of my newest doodles that I did, check them out (like anyone is out there...but I can pretend).

These next pieces are from a the student film "Unseen".

I did some logo work too, but I will save that for my next blog, maybe tomorrow (but knowing myself, maybe more like Friday). I have more work to finish tonight, getting a logo done, an avocado character for produce company, some more boards, comic layouts, and hopefully some more doodling. I love that, it's like masturbating, but with your pants on. I just hold that lead cock in my hand and go to town on the page. Funny, I went to a seminar at comic con this year with an artist named Marshall Vandruff who told us that dooding in a sketchbook was the best way to release ideas, and now I can't get enough of it. This last project "Unseen" also helped me get back into things as well. Can't wait until I'm home tonight...

WHERE DO WE GO NOW...

2005-08-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

I'm back after a short hiatus (not that anyone really cares as there are maybe 2 people who read this), and trying to figure out where to go after my six month artistic journey.

I feel like I really have made some significant steps in my artistic life, but not without being tested nearly every miniscule step of the way. It seemed as if every day was a battle; whether it was my own lack of self confidence, or outside sources edging themselves into the short and precious time that I have. I really grew a lot as an artist, and hopefully as a man as well. But the journey is far from over, and in actuality it's just beginning. When I graduated from college nearly 10 years ago, I saw it as a major accomplishment in my life. I had made it through 5 hard years of study and work, and had reached my goals. I, however, made the unfortunate mistake of thinking the hard part of my life (at that point) was over, that after my years of intense studying, life would get easier. It was the furthest thing from the truth...I realized that as time passed on. Graduating college was only the beginning, and the trials and tribulations of life would test me more than any exam that I had ever taken. The concrete foot of life went so far up my as, I'm surprised that I'm not able to get fisted by a rhino now. There were a lot of tough times, and I can't honestly say that I rose to the occasion. I succumbed the the tsunami that was my life at the time, and only recently have I been able to escape the wave's path.

So, once again, here I am, facing the same type of situation again. At this point I could say a lot of things: how this time it will be different; how I know better this time; etc...But I'm tired of saying those things. I just want to be the man that I know I can be. I see the path ahead of me, and it scares me to death. I'd rather try to do something different if I could. The problem, you see, is the fact that this IS my life. This artistic life has chosen me for whatever reason, and only by living this life do I feel complete at all. If I worked at a bank, or if I worked at an office, I would just be longing to live this type of life and I would die a horrid and wretched loser. I can't bear to imagine that I would die just a man with a lot of great ideas, who never expressed any of them, who let the world pass him by without so much as a peep. I'm not that man, nor will I ever be that man. I just pray to God that I have the strength to stay on this path and see this dream through...

Well, enough of the screaming in my head...

Back to the real world for more punishment.

What I've Learned...

2005-06-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

Over the course of the last year, and especially the last 6 months, I have learned quite a bit. I have made a lot of discoveries, both in my art and about myself. There is not a day that doesn't go by where I don't learn something new, or come face to face with a reality in my life that helps me. Some of these are wonderful, and some are not. Some in fact, are very painful. And it is in these most painful moments, when I clear my mind of any anger, doubt, or sadness, that the greatest moment of clarity presents itself. Usually it comes down to the simplest of details, and ones that seem to make the most sense. I wonder why I often took such complicated paths to learn something that was so simple, and most of the time right in front of me. Part of it, I believe, is my own lack of self confidence and worth which leads me to doubt my feelings, instincts, and thoughts. The other part, is influence by outside sources that I default to because of my doubt. Eventually, I wind up doing things not for me, or even thinking like me. That is to say, it's not bad to have influences out of your normal realm of thinking. One just has to determine if these influences are beneficial or detrimental, and then go on from that point. But in both cases, I can only say that it was my fault. There is no one to blame but myself. So, in lieu of this, and everything that I have experienced, I have come to believe in a few simple ideas. Nothing grand, nothing too thought out, and really just common sense. Keeping it as simple as possible, is really the best way:

Follow your dream.
Believe in it.
Do it.
And don't let anything,
or anyone stop you.
In the end,
it will come true.

That is really it, 5 brief ideas. Simple. Concise. Powerful. As long as you hold true to these ideas, you can do anything. This is what I have learned. Say goodbye haters...

Dreaming again...and finally...COMICS!!!

2005-05-16T11:53:00.000-07:00

Well, that dream that I wrote about in a previous post...the one about the ocean that was representative of my art (and life)...I had another one similar to it about 3 days ago. In the dream, I was floating in the ocean, which seemed like an endless dark expanse. The sky was dark, and there was no land in sight. Funny thing is, I wasn't there alone. I don't know who was with me, but whoever it was, we where holding on to each other in the water. Next thing I know, this dragon "thing" (like one of the Nasgul's beasts) rose up out of the water, us on its back, and carried us to a tower sticking up out of the ocean. Funny thing is, I hadn't seen the Return of the King in months. I don't know exactly what that meant, but I'm sure I'll find out in time.

As well, I keep having dreams about relatives (some alive, some deceased)...for some reason, we all seem to be in a really fucked up ghetto neighborhood, with danger seemingly lurking everywhere. I don't know why that is, although I'm always afraid of losing another family member. I have always been close to them, and even now I wish I could spend more time with them. Maybe it's representative of the fact that they could go at any time, and being in a shitty, dangerous neighborhood is how it represents itself.

Why can't I just have dreams with naked chicks in them?

On a lighter note, I just got a bunch of new comics from a shop out in my area. YAHOO!!! Finally! My wife and I were cruising a local street fair and there happened to be a shop in the vicinity. I stopped in, and she treated me to some books. Ah!!! Nirvana! I caught up on some of my JSA and got Countdown to Infinite Crisis...yes!!! Good stuff! Gimme more!!

Sorry, I'm a greedy bastard!

Thoughts....

2005-05-11T12:15:00.000-07:00

Just some random stuff floating about in my head...

I'm not alone...ever

In my last blog, I spoke metaphorically about taking this great leap into the unknown, into that scary part that would put me closer to achieving my goals than ever before. Often, I feel like I'm doing that alone, but I have to remember...I'm not. I believe that throughout the course of my life, a higher power has been with me on my journey. Now before you say to yourself "Oh crap! Not another Jesus freak!", let me say this...Yes I do believe in God; Yes I do believe in Jesus; And no, I do not condemn anyone who doesn't. I'm not a right wing hardcore fundamentalist Christian or religious fanatic. I'm just a man who feels connected to this "Higher" power/God/Jesus/Buddha/etc... It's something that I can't describe, but it's this feeling that I get that helps me through all the bad times, and reminds me when something good happens, just how luck I really am. It's this feeling that helps me to forgive when someone wrongs me and I just want to hack him/her into a million pieces with an axe. It's that same feeling that asks me to reach out to that person to see what's wrong and how I can help. I call it God, someone else may call it an angel, enlightenment, compassion, faith, etc...the label doesn't really matter. It's the feeling of goodwill and strength of perseverence that matters. For a while there, however, I felt so alone. I felt detached and estranged. I was buried so deep in emotional and mental stress that I lost all hope...I lost all love. I never felt so alone in my life, I had never before fallen to such despairity. Yet in my darkest hour (to date of course), there was something that helped me to go on...that little "nudge" that pushed me to continue. When I didn't want to talk with anyone, it reminded me that I had friends and family that loved me. When I had closed my heart to love, and opened myselft to hate, it helped me to reverse myself and love again. When I forgot who I was...when I didn't have an inkling about myself or my art...it found me and helped me to find myself. Now I feel better, I feel stronger, and I feel like I'm finding myself, and I can do just about anything. My faith is restored...and God walks with me, so being alone is not an option, in fact it never was...

And as a departure from the deeply spiritual thoughts above...

I seriously need to get back into a damn comic book store, working the weekends at Border's just isn't cutting it as far as getting my comics fix. My God, I can't remember the last time I bought comics at a direct market store. Ahhh, I miss it so much! Walking into a room filled with books and sweaty geeks. The smell of old paper filling my nostrils...the new comics lining the shelves ready for me to pluck them out, one by one...The back issues calling my name..."Alex come find me, I'm trapped here with all the shitty books from the speculator's era!" Then after and hours worth of digging, I find those wonderful back issues...and trust me, I've found some good shit. That's what I get for living out in the middle of no where.

Oh well, what are you gonna do?

Dreaming...

2005-03-30T11:22:00.000-08:00

You know, having dreams is one the joys of life. First of all, they are free, and anyone can have them. Second, if you are persistent enough and determined enough, you always have the possibility of making them come true. And finally, if your life changes, you can always tailor those dreams to the changes in your life. Unfortunately, the fucked up thing about dreams is that they may not always come true, especially when you take a leap of faith and commit to them. The safer dreams are the ones we have in our sleep, they aren't real...and in the end everything was just a fantasy...or was it?

I have a lot of crazy dreams. Not just the ones where you meet a hot girl and bang her, no my dreams are a little different. I see dead people. Not often, and they never talk to me. But I always seem to dream about the ones whose lives tragically ended. My aunt, my friend, a classmate from school. Just those mostly, and when I saw them, I knew that they were trying to tell me something. I could see the sadness in their eyes and I knew that they needed something from me. But what could I give them, I mean they were dead! All I could do was say a prayer and give them my thoughts. I do miss them though.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my dreams, both the waking ones and the ones in my sleep. I think about how I started out, naive and starry eyed, and how things didn't turn out quite like I planned. About how I fucked up and got off the path that I started on, and the big mistakes along the way. I also thought about how I eventually found my way back and started to dream again. I also had a moment where my waking and my sleeping dreams seemed to collide for one brief second, giving me a moment of clarity in relation to not just my artwork, but my entire life. Not just that, but how my freaky as horoscope validated what I dreamt about. So, lets go on a ride...

In the early hours of April 20th I had a dream, as most of us do. In my dream I dreamt that I was a secret agent trying to get myself into, and bust, a biker gang. Well they caught me stowing away in one of their trucks and told me to beat it, but not before sending a couple of thugs to take me out. When I left the gang, I went to my uncle's house (who is dead) which seem to be on a pier and right at the foot of a hill, simultaenously. My aunts and my mom were there, and the thugs weren't far behind. I saw them coming for me, and as it happens in a lot of my dreams I became a superhero to stop them. Yeah, I know, too many comic books. Anyways, I couldn't let them hurt my family...so, who to become? Well, that's an easy one. Superman. He is probably the greatest superhero around, hands down, and I'm a huge fan. So, after a blast of heat vision, bullets bouncing off of my chest, and an incredible show of strength, the villains were done for. I was in the costume, and I wanted to show my uncle who I was, so that he could be proud of me. He looked at me, and I saw the pride in his eyes. At that time, I also heard a dristress call from ships caught in a storm that needed my help. I had to go, so I made my way outside to the pier. That's when I saw the ocean. It was incredible, the waves taller than the house, speeding by at an incredible rate. not a cold blue ocean, but a green and brown grimy water that covered a vast expanse for miles. Within the waves I could see dozens of sea creatures, and not the small ones. Giant whales, squids, and sharks...speeding by, caught in the waves. Behemoths caught up and carried out by an even greater one. And not just them, but also the monsters that dwell near the ocean floor never seeing light. Odd and frightening creatures that were terrifying to behold. Even though I was Superman, even though I could take them all out (the creatures), even though the ocean wouldn't swallow me...I was deathly afraid. I was afraid to take that risk, that 1% that I might not make it. So I turned around and went back to the house. At that point I woke up and the dream ended. But it had made its impact on me. The next morning I found this in my email:

"You could have some powerful dreams, Alex. Your psychic senses will be heightened, and you should pay attention to the images that appear in your dreams. You might want to write down the things that happen to you in your dreamscape. Your dreams could contain some important symbolic messages over the next few days. Record them in a dream journal so that you can learn from them and apply these insights to your daily life."

It was my daily email horoscope. Freaky little thing, this is the third or fourth time that it touched upon something significant in my life. Make what you will from this, I don't believe everything in life is black and white. But even before I got this, I began to wonder what it all meant (the dream). At first, I thought it was something pertaining to my artwork. That I was too afraid to cross that vast threshold that would lead me to my promised destination, that would allow my artistic dreams to come through. But as the weeks passed, it seemed as if it was more than just about my art. It was about my life. It was about how I was too afraid to take that leap, whenever an opportunity presented itself. It was about how I always chose the safer path in life instead of taking the risk. I thought about this when I realized what it really meant. I looked back at the missed opportunities and bad decisions and cringed. But, the past is the past. I can't change that. But I can do something about the future. My life is going to change before the end of this year (for the better), because I am going to jump into the ocean. No matter how scared I am, I am even more scared of continuing on the same way.

Wish me well...

The Last Four Weeks...

2005-03-22T13:50:00.000-08:00

I had planned on posting every week, charting my progression, and letting the 2 people who read this blog know what is going on with my work and life. Instead, however, I needed to take some time for myself and really get into my head. I needed to work out some issues that were beginning to slow down my progress, so that I wouldn't be caught in the same rut anymore. And fuck it! It's my blog I can do what I want with it, bitches!

Prior to the last three weeks, I was caught in an endless cycle of non-progression (don't get me wrong, I was producing work, but not advancing). I would feel desperate and depressed (you know, like when married men don't have sex for about three weeks), have some sort of grand and blessed "epiphany" about my work, and then go about to put my "new" vision into action. Let me tell you, this was the biggest crock of shit! And I was doing this to myself for years, trying to get past my own mental barriers. Regardless to say, I would never make it past the 2nd part.

Until now.

About three weeks ago, the mad hammer of reality (my friend Joe), kicked me in the ass and called me out on this, and made me realize what I was doing. He made me realize that I had to stop this if I was ever truly going to get ahead. I know he did it because he cares about me and my work, but it was very hard to hear...and accept! At first it made me feel very depressed, but then I picked my ass off the floor, dried up the tears, and got to work again. But this time I needed to make a real push forward. I have a tendancy of just working to a certain point and stopping. Why? Well, since you asked, I'll tell you...don't tell anyone...but....I'm scared! Oh, and sometimes I have low self esteem too...sometimes I feel like I don't deserve this...

To quote Eddie Murphy: "Can you believe this motherfucking shit!?!"

Believe it or not...it's what I've dealt with...until now.

In my last blog entry I mentioned these issues briefly, and said that the next few weeks would be very interesting, and they have been. Being afraid of not being good enough, coupled with the fear of being a failure can be very crippling. I let negative thoughts from both myself and other people (well comments mostly, since I can't read their minds...or can I???) make my art production come to a screeching halt. Shit, just last night I got a negative unconscious jibe from one of my friends about my artwork and being able to make it just on my artwork.

I had to stop for a second. This guy is one of my best friends.

"What the fuck?"

For a moment, it put a little shred of self doubt in me, until I slapped myself back into focus.

People are always going to say things that will throw you off course, if you let it.

I'm not going to let it anymore.

I let all of these things stifle my production and set me back. The only solution I have found, is to keep working through the mess, no matter what other people say. Whether they hate every bit of artwork I produce, or doubt me being able to finally succeed with my art. I know that I can do this. I have shown "glimpses" of this, little tidbits when I produce something so amazing that I can't even believe I DID IT!
In the recent past, I did it on two occasions, both with character designs. The people that I was working for/with were amazed at what I had done. They couldn't even believe that I had done them, and people they showed my work to didn't even recognize it. But in both of those instances, I had something that doesn't always come through for me: confidence. I knew that the pieces would be representative of the subject matter and that I would produce them successfully. Don't ask me how, I just knew. It's something that I haven't felt since college, where a lot of things (actually more than less) that I created were right on the money. I don't mean to toot my horn (but I will anyway...hey someone has to!), but they were damn good! I was never a Michaelangelo or Leonardo, but they were always eyecatching and conveyed emotion, style, and that particular "thing" that I don't have a name for. And that's what I need to get back.

So I sit down every day and I draw.

I draw through the incessent whining in the back of my head with a little voice telling me how much I suck and that I'm too old to do this anymore.

I draw through the negative comments from other people telling me just how much of a pipe dream this is, or their little expressions of doubt.

I draw through all the worries, and all the pain (and boy do I have a lot of them).

I stop myself from thinking about these things so that I don't make excuses not to draw, and just draw.

Then, when the end of the day comes, and I finally look up at what I've been doing...

When all I have is my work, I know...

I know that I'm good enough and that I will be able to do this.

Decisions, truths, and making things count...

2005-03-01T10:34:00.000-08:00

Well, week 4 just passed, and March is just beginning. This last week was a bear to say the least. I was sick as a dog (why do they say that? When was the last time you saw a sick dog? Why don't they say sick like a weak bitch?!), I had a ton of personal creative work to get done, and I had to sit down and talk to my wife about what was going on. Trying to break into the comics field, or any other creative field is not easy (duh!), but when you are married and someone else is depending on you, it makes it only that much harder. Especially if the person you are married to isn't really "into" what you're doing. Early last week, I spoke with my friend, Joseph, we had been creative partners for about 9 years and know each other fairly well. We spoke about what each of us was doing and how we were progressing in our attempts. I told Joseph about all the progress that I had made, the research I was doing, and where I was planning to go. He thought that was great, but as always, he decided to burst my bubble. Joseph has always been my dose of reality, my black cloud of truth as you will. Whenever I feel like I'm at the top of my game, Joe slaps me back into reality so that I don't take things for granted or settle halfway. He told me that I'm at the same point that I always get to, that I make it to this point, but usually go no further. He told me that I have to go out there and hunt the jobs down, make contacts, and basically be aggressive. I can't wait for things to happen. We spoke some more and he tried to instil these ideas in me further, but he asked me one very important question which would really determine my success in all of this. Does my wife support me in these endeavors? There was silence as I thought. At one point, yes she did. She supported me wholeheartedly. But that was a while back, a lot of things had happened. We weren't married at the time, we hadn't gone through a period of high drama, and we didn't have the bills that we do now. So now...? I couldn't answer that question for him. And as always the big black hand of reality struck me, destroying my delusional cloud. He told me that I had to know, I had to know if my wife supported me in this. The road I'm on is not an easy one, and I needed to know that. He told me if she supported me, then that would be great, but, if she didn't...then it would be a very rocky path, and achieving success would almost be near impossible. At that point, I felt like getting into my car and running right into a light pole. But everything he said was true. I had to find out. I had to get things out into the open and see where my wife stood on this. As always, I prayed and I chanted a bit (buddhist style...hey whatever works), and I spoke to the wife as we drove to the store. I told her that I was attempting to get into comics and other creative fields again, this time very seriously. And I asked her if she supported me in this. She, of course, shared her concerns, especially because we plan to start a family soon, and as always, she felt afraid. We spoke some more and I assured her that this time I would do my best to see things through, and not let past demons haunt me. This was for us, and for our family. We spoke for a bit, and in the end I heard what I needed to hear. She told me that she supported me in what I was doing and that she loved me. It felt so good to hear that, to know that through all the shit, she still supported me. Now I have to show her the goods, and I have to make things count.
Making things count means that I don't have a lot of time, I have to be proactive, dilligent, tenacious, and aggressive. I can't do things the way that I have been doing them...or else I might as well give up now. I have to stir things up and change things around. Break old habits and routines and start new ones that will allow me to succeed. That meant that I had to sit down last week and write out some ideas about how I would get there. I had to give real thought as to how I would approach things and try to plot out a course of action. It isn't easy, and I'm still refining things, but at least now I know where to begin. Tony Robbins teaches that people associate emotions and feelings with things because of past events. For example, if you have a lot of arguements with your spouse, eventually you will feel a constant anger or resentment toward him/ her, even if things are fine. You have to break that association and commit to that. No gradual changes...a solid commitment is needed. Break those habits! That's a great philosophy, but when you have a lot of demons to conquer like me, it can feel overwhelming. Sometimes it feels like I'm walled in a small room, with everything that I ever wanted on the outside of the room, and I can't get to it. I often feel the fear swelling up in me, like there's a bowling ball trapped in my chest. But I have to do this, I have to break out of the room I've been in for so long. I can't say what the next few weeks will be like, except for...active. I'm sure it will be interesting. Until next time...

Keeping the Shit Going...

2005-02-21T09:06:00.000-08:00

Well here I am: Week 3. Last week was all about setting up the foundation to help me reach my goal, and this week it's all about smoothing out the kinks in the schedule.
Here's a recap of the previous week: I drew; I made more space in the garage to work in; organized my stuff so that I know what I have; I drew; threw away junk; drew some more; kept up on the comics news and biz; revised the drawings I did; studied other artists work habits, ethics, methodology, etc...; revised the drawings some more; started to develop a "plan" for my artwork; drew again (mental note: get more blue pencils); excised just a wee bit; I drew again bitch; I thought about my artwork bitch; I discussed my artwork; I discussed art; I strung up a noose in the garage...well you get the picture. So that was last week, this week I have to really pull it tighter to get some pages and pin ups done by Comic Con. I have to have a strong portfolio to even compete, and really put some stuff in there that is good. All that is going to require one thing: "ganas"
And what is "ganas"? That is the Spanish term, or phrase, which basically means having the balls, the will, and/or the desire to get something done. Now I'll be honest, my track record in having "ganas" fluctuates. Sometimes it's on and no one can stop me, I do shit that even amazes me. Other times, I feel like I have the consistency of Vlade Divacs (for those non sports people, Vlade is the center for the Lakers, sometimes he comes out and plays a hell of a game and other times he just comes out). The thing is, I don't have time not to have "ganas". I don't have time for tomorrows, or yesterdays, or mistakes in the past or uncertainties about the damn future. It's all about the now. It's all about losing the fear and showing my big, fat, hairy sack. I have to insure myself that I can do this; that I can make it in, and then stay there. Breaking in is just the beginning, once I get past that point, the hard part will be setting myself aside from the rest to have some longevity in the biz (but that's a story for another blog). In fact, I can't not make it. This is what I've always wanted to do, except that I was an asshole about doing it. I don't have a backup plan that is worth a damn to make me happy (except for finding money someway to independently publish), so this isn't an option.
This week then turns into the make (or break) week. I have to finalize those components to help me build not only a portfolio of my artwork, but a good, solid work ethic as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a total lazy bastard, but the hurdle this time isn't a physical one, it's mental. The hurdle is me, it's my fear. That's the only thing keeping me from my goal. But I'm dealing with it, I have no choice. I have to do it, for reasons I can't even define. It's like 5o cent the rapper said in one of his rhymes: "I didn't choose this life, it chose me". So whether I'm tired, sick, angry, happy, castrated, etc...it doesn't matter...I go on with it. See you in the funny pages, or in the funny farm...

Getting it Together...

2005-02-16T14:42:00.000-08:00

Well, Im back for week 2 of this "journey". I haven't given up just yet and I haven't contemplated suicide either (well not much anyways). Anyhow, I sat down over the weekend and I wrote a list of things that I (as an creative person/ businessman) need to do to get this show rolling. The list included a variety of things which are listed below:

Draw/Write - this is the main thing; whatever you do, if you don't hone your skills, you're screwed
Exercise - oddly enough, for me, this seems to work well. Exercising gives me extra stamina to stay up late and get the work done
Show the work - I have to get my name out there and get my work recognized; as well, feedback from other artists, editors, and writers is key.
Make Contacts - meeting people at forums, online, conventions, wherever is definitely a key element (which I've learned from the success my friends have had)
Gain Information and Knowledge - knowing as much as possible about art/writing/the comics business in general is once again...IMPORTANT! I have to know what is going on; make sure I get the news fresh and not hear about it when it's old news.
Study - studying art/writing/life/etc...is all part of honing the craft(s)
Having Fun - always make time for a little of this; even though I'm having fun doing the above, going to a movie, or a concert, or on a road trip is always essential to clear my head or just relax so that I'm fresh and creative

Well, that's it! Shit, with all of that, it's a wonder that I have time for anything else. But amazingly enough, when I set my mind to it, I have time for all of it and even more. I've been drawing more often (at least one thing a night), and last night I started to make more room for myself in my workshop (in the garage). It's true what they say, you don't know how much trash you've accumulated over the years (and how easy it is to throw all of that shit away when you need to make space) until you really look. I'm setting up a space where I can put up a computer or small desk, my easel, and my guitars. I'll be finishing that crap tonight and getting ready to pull down a couple of scripts to begin doing sample pages for Comic Con. I have a lot of character designs, but what I need right now is the "meat" of the work, more updated pages. I need to produce some incredible shit and really push myself hard. So on I keep going...

Until next week...

The End, and the Beginning...Comics Style

2005-02-09T14:52:00.000-08:00

Hello, everyone. My name is Alex Lugo. I am an aspiring comic book artist, writer, and all around creative guy. My dream has been to be in the comics biz since I was about 4 years old. From the moment my mother bought me my first comics, I was hooked. Comics are my life (well a large portion of it anyway). At about the same time, I began drawing and creating stories (really bad ones I might add), determined to create my own comics. At that point I wasn't even thinking of a career (hell I didn't even know what that meant), I just knew I loved what I was doing. Somewhere along the line, however, I jumped off the path. When I was about 17 or 18, it was suggested to me that instead of pursuing art and comics as a career, I should find something that would make money. Something that was more "stable" (this was real crap advice by the way, the job market would change in a few years and stability would be a thing of the past). As things go, I had a fondness for architecture, so my family pushed me in that direction. I had to even convince myself that I could do comics and art as a "hobby". But as I entered college and got 2 years into an architecture program, I discovered that designing buildings and spaces for the rest of my life was not going to work for me. So, at that point I flipped the script and transferred into art. This was the best move I had made up to this point, as far as getting back into doing art (and comics especially). In the art school I met an artist, named Neil. Besides being a party animal, Neil had great vision and shared my passion for art and comics. He had started out just like me in architecture and wound up in art. We became friends and talked a lot about ideas we had for comics. It was about this time that I would meet another person who would influence my art and my perception of art for the next 10 years.
Not many people knew of my passion for art and comics, but one friend connected me someone who was a writer and was also looking for a way into the business. So late in September, Neil and I journeyed to Inglewood to meet up with this writer. We met at his fathers Cajun restaurant (the best Cajun food I've had in LA - but the place has since closed), and sat down to talk. The writer's name was Joseph, and he was there with his fiancee, Jessica. He spoke to us about his dream of getting his work published, and the ideas he had. Joseph asked to see my work and I handed him some drawings I did for printmaking class. These drawings were based on story concerning the fall of the angel Lucifer from Milton's Paradise Lost. I didn't know it then, but he was very impressed with this work, which flowed with energy and emotion. They were drawings that I was very proud of at the time, and it showed. That was the birth of a little comic book studio that consisted of Neil, Jospeh, and myself. Along the way, we picked up another member, Vincent, who became our editor. The four of us became inseperable for about 2 years. We came together to harness our strengths and energy and do some great work, but things didn't quite work out that way.
I can only speak for myself, but during that time, I had a lot of things happening in my life: work, family, friends, and making my comic dreams come true. Unfortunately, I juggled them badly. I gave priority to things that did not deserve them, and stayed at a job that ate up too much of my time. Being a procrastinator didn't help either. After starting off strongly, I was jumping off of my path, and I was too stupid to recognize it. But it didn't take long for the others to notice what was happening with me, and our group. Before long, Neil was gone, deciding to pursue acting and film as his career. That left the three of us, and before long it was just Joseph and myself. It was at this point that things changed again.
Joseph and I were a lot alike, too alike even. It was as if watching Joseph's life was like watching my future. He recognized this before I did (he has great insight by the way), and tried to warn me about the upcoming danger in our creative partnership and in my own personal life. Over and over he warned me, because he went through it all. The setbacks, the personal heartaches, the lost time, he experienced it all, and warned me. But I didn't listen, until it was too late...until it all made sense and even Joseph was gone. About one year ago he told me, when it was just he and I, that we had to change our ways: setbacks, procrastination, etc...these couldn't be obstacles or excuses anymore. We had burned all of our free time and had none to waste. Life was closing in on us and we had to do something with it or we would lose are dream of comics (and any other dream we had) forever. Once again, I didn't listen, I let my fear rule me, and kept on as I had for the last 9 years. We began working on a project together, he wrote the story and I did the art (just as always). But it was during this project that he realized that he had to do this on his own (and justifiably so), as I was not cutting it. My own personal life got in the way, and he would not let that stop him. This was business, and he had to make it happen. So he undertook the project on his own, but later hired me to do the pencils for him. It was during this time that I began to "awaken" to the fallacies and insecurities in my life that had set me back and what I needed to do to get back on the right path.
Joseph had always been my "mentor" of sorts, as Vince had been his, he tried to tell me the truth about my life and what it was doing to my art and my dreams. During the pencilling process of "Lazarus", I marveled at how Joseph transformed. He went from someone who got all of his knowledge about the business of comics from Vincent, to keeping pace with the game himself. He did it all: research, writing, making contacts, putting facts and figures together. In essence, he grew up. He honed his craft and became a business man at the same time. When we split our creative partnership in the comic book studio, he had told me this was necessary. He said we needed to grow on our own, to find ourselves and to develop our strengths. Being together we supported each other's bad habits, and we had to break that cycle. I was afraid to venture off on my own, especially since I had been part of a group for the better half of 8 years. Joseph, however, was not. He got things done. He moved forward. It was at this point that I realized that I needed to change too, that I had to change. Joseph was moving at a pace too fast for me to keep up, and I couldn't stand in his way. So I decided to leave the project and forgo the pencilling duties, not only so Joseph could find an artist that was on the same level of quality and detail as himself, but so that I could find myself and get on the path that I had been on years before.
The course of the last year has been a difficult one, but it has also been a time of reconcilliation and rebirth. I believe that fate can play a part in your life (if you are lucky), and I'm being pushed back onto my path. I have left the jobs that took away my time and found one that I really like that affords me the space and timeframe that I need. The drama of the past is almost gone as I no longer can afford to "entertain" it. And the fear that I had is fading away. All that I have left is me.
During my growth as an artist, I don't think anyone pushed me harder than Joseph did, often being obnoxious (but with good reason). He saw that I had potential, even when I didn't. He saw something in my art, even when I lost my energy and enthusiasm for the work, and pushed me to go on. When my style sucked, and I was repetative, he pushed me to try new things. After the last of us (Joseph and I) had split, I thought that I was done in art and comics. I thought that I couldn't make it on my own. But that was fear talking to me. It was the fear and realization that I had no one to fall back on but me. I have lots of support and love from my friends and family, but when it comes down to it, it's all up to me. That is what Joseph tried to tell me, to instill in me. Even Neil, Vincent, and my wife tried to tell me at certain points in my life. But somehow, a few nights ago, it all made sense. I had always been part of team, primarily out of fear because I didn't think I could do it on my own. But looking at Neil, and Vincent, and especially Joseph...I know that I can do this. They are my role models for tenacity and strength, but ultimately it's really up to me. When I started this blog, it was going to be a 6 month log of my journey to becoming an artist, but it never seemed like that was the first thing that I should put up publicly. But this does. So hopefully this will be the first of many things that I put up while on my way. I will still print the 6 month log, but this will be first, this and a thank you to the ones who helped me to get back here, I love you guys.